One in five Australians suffer from depression. Today is World Mental Health Awareness Day, or Blue Day, and it is a subject I care very deeply about. If it wasn't for the current understanding and demystifying of depression and the creation of modern treatments, I would probably already be dead.
No marketing post today. No witty scribblings on writing or comic books or the nature of the internet. Today, I hope you'll indulge an extremely personal post for a very good reason.
A recent survey by beyondblue reveals Australians are still largely ignorant about mental illness. Only 7% recognised anxiety as a mental illness and 31% believed those with a mental illness should not stand for politics. This demonstrates how many Australians do not understand how mental illness can affect people and the ways in which it can be successfully managed. In fact, 56% of respondants thought anti-depressants were addictive. Until a couple of years ago, I would have been one of them.
The Pain of September
Regular visitors to this blog will have noticed a drop off in postings during September. When asked, I alluded to some personal issues, without being too specific. The truth is that September 18th marked the fifth anniversary of the death of my partner, Rebecca. As a result, I began to fall back into major depression. I recommenced medication a month ago but had probably been showing symptoms of depression returning for a while longer.
No one expected Rebecca's heart to stop five years ago. She was only 24 when I returned home from work and found her lying motionless on the floor. We were half way through the construction of our house and would have married soon after. We had been together for five years, entirely devoted to each other.
Dealing With Grief
Bec's death and the ensuing police investigation meant my mental health took a considerable knock. After days of police interrogation that heightened the horrible experience for me, foul play was eliminated. By this stage I was a wreck. No one was surprised to see my behaviour change. In fact, looking back from five years out, I seemed like a different person. My behaviour, emotions and thoughts were completely out of character and divorced from reason for months afterwards.
Everyone believes they know how they'll feel when they lose a partner or loved one. I can honestly tell everyone that they have no idea. None. The brain behaves differently. Emotions are burnt out and numb. Weird instincts and thoughts rise up, contradicting our logical processes. Some of these cause further guilt, adding to the downward spiral. My mind was in constant conflict with itself. In some ways, it still is.
Of course, grief gave way to depression. Two and a half years ago, I was ready to end it. Every day felt painful and pressured to the point that it felt like there was no relief. If life was to continue to be daily suffering and frustration, why should I continue?
Luckily, I was conscious enough of how dangerous these thoughts were to seek help.
I am fortunate. In an average Year 12 classroom of 30 students, at least 7 will have experienced a recognised mental health difficulty. Only two will have sought help. That is five in every thirty young people in desperate need of help and support. Statistically, one of these five will have attempted suicide. That's one in thirty Year 12 students.
It is obvious that mental health is a major issue for our society.
Reasoning with Depression
Asking a 'normal' person to understand what is going through the mind of someone suffering mental illness is like asking a cow to understand the point of view of a budgerigar. The two sides are so completely different to make mutual understanding very difficult indeed.
Just as a one-legged man can't get up and walk, a depressed person can't perceive the world and emotions in the same way as a healthy person. Depression completely changes a person's world-view. Their logic is completely different from yours and therefore reasoning with them is difficult.
When I experience depression now - thankfully usually only as an episode rather than a continual malaise - I lack any perception of how lucky and truly wonderful my life currently is. I am to be married in December to a stunningly beautiful person who truly understands and cares for me. I am in a job that not only pays well but I thoroughly enjoy. I live in a part of the world I adore. My family loves and surrounds me as much as I dote on them. My life, comparatively speaking, is pretty damn wonderful.
Yet all of this can be explained to me in an attempt to reason with my mood and it will mean nothing.
To the logical mind, depression is ridiculous. "Snap out of it", we're told. People try to reason with us that things are better than they seem. In my experience, people eventually get frustrated when you fail to cheer up or are incapable of understanding their logic. Your mood does not behave in the way they believe it should, or the way it does for them as healthy individuals - and that is the cause of the problem.
Concealing Depression
Very early on, I knew my behaviour would make those around me feel uncomfortable. No one likes being stuck with someone who is constantly grieving or moody. Therefore, I learnt to fake normalcy, which is apparently incredibly common amongst depressives. We learn to delude ourselves to an extent that we are coping.
This led me to become a recluse. After all, pretending to be happy and 'normal' when you are anything but can be very wearing. The energy expended in this internal conflict creates additional pressures.
I began to avoid answering the phone. I didn't want to hang out with my usual friends. I stopped returning emails. Contacts were short - a quick message on Facebook - instead of meaningful encounters.
Many people experiencing depression start shutting themselves off from those around them. I know some of my closest friends and family have despaired at me for not returning calls or going for months at a time without contact. It isn't that I don't care or that I deliberately shun them. The wiring in my brain is now different. My behaviour still bears the scars of years of serious depression where I naturally and instinctively feel uncomfortable in many social settings. To any of you reading this; Kieran, Mandi, Tracey and a host of others, I apologise.
Luke will be the best man at my wedding in December. He is typical of the reaction of friends to my behaviour. At one stage it was almost a year between conversations and it was always Luke who called me.
When I spoke with him about the depression, he was very understanding. But he also made the mistake every one makes. "Mate, why didn't you call me? If you're feeling that bad, I'm here." That might seem obvious to most people, but it is completely at odds with how depression feels. The social pressure to "get better" after an acceptable period, means we feel the need to hide our continued depression. There comes a time when talking to someone doesn't help. We don't want to be a burden to friends and family. Outpourings are saved for the counsellor. We hide under a rock.
Accepting Depression
I now know that I will most likely struggle with depression and anxiety for years, if not the rest of my life. Leaving medication soon sees me fall back into the darkest days within weeks. For ages, I hated that I'm dependent on drugs. Now I know the drugs are a blessing because they allow me to find myself again.
The difference between both states of mind is hard to describe to someone who hasn't experienced depression. When feeling 'normal' it is hard to imagine how I could ever behave or feel the way I do when depressed. Life seems so good. I'm in love again. I'm successful. Yet, when depressed, it is hard to remember what happiness feels like. The emotions are so all-consuming, they drive every thought, every move.
I accept my depression now. I understand it, can recognise the signs and know how to treat it to lessen the impact on my life. But I am still mentally scarred. Like the one legged man, I may have medical help to walk again, but I'll never be able to walk as easily as I once did. I accept that. It is infinitely better than the alternative.
For more information on depression, including many resources, visit Beyond Blue.There is also an exceptional youth suicide prevention program at Reach Out, run by the Inspire Foundation and a further youth help service at Headspace.
