We can all
name the worst films currently in distribution, but why do we keep rewarding
them with box office success?
“Meet the
Spartans” topped the box office around the world, despite every review decrying
it as a serious misuse of celluloid. British film critic Mark Kermode blasted
the film with one of his most vitriolic rants after summing up his feelings by
banging his head repeatedly against the desk. (Listen to the podcast. Everyone
should subscribe. Now.) Although he didn’t apply to the film his famous
catchcry that forms the title of this post, his inability to comprehend how it
entered the
Empire
magazine gave it a woeful one star. IGN awarded the film only half the Empire
score, continuing to say how they were “flabbergasted that a studio probably
passed on making so many other more worthy projects instead”.
If a film
is so universally reviled, so barren of creativity, so lacking in any redeeming
features, how does it top the box office in most international territories and
make a profit that guarantees we’ll see more of the same?
Flash in the Pan Distribution
The studios
know which films are terrible and which will continue to be revered years from
now. “Meet the Spartans” is unlikely to get a tenth anniversary special edition
DVD in 2018. Records show that in most territories, it plummeted from the #1 spot
after the first week. Within a month it had left the top ten in many
territories, demonstrating the poor word of mouth.
But the
damage has already been done.
Because the
studios recognised “Meet the Spartans” as a poor, disposable, mayfly of a film,
the entire marketing strategy was geared to generating a return on investment on
the opening weekend. This meant saturating as many screens as possible, coupled
with a huge marketing push for the opening weekend. It is a strategy designed
to reap the majority of the financial return in three days. Once the studio has
recouped the budget, the reviews, word of mouth and DVD sales no longer matter.
This is a
major difference to how more ‘worthy’ films are marketed. In
Studios
know which films can benefit from a soft release with a smaller marketing
budget and fewer prints produced, and which need to be hammered through the
multiplexes as quickly as possible.
The Unfunny Comedy
Another
criticism levelled at “Meet the Spartans” was that it just wasn’t funny. Tired
old jokes, predictable yet drawn out set-ups and clichéd, uninspired parody
often characterise these cheap grabs for money by the Hollywood studios. After
all, “Meet the Spartans” is just the latest in a line of spoof comedies that
merely trade on the success of other film properties. The “Scary Movie” series,
“Date Movie”, “Epic Movie”, the forthcoming “Superhero Movie” (you beginning to
see a pattern here?); all of them use cultural familiarity as their core conceit.
It might be
harsh and elitist to criticise the audiences that support such films as
ignorant of true comedy or unwilling to be challenged. But the attractiveness
to some people is that films like these clearly signpost their humour by using
familiar situations. A viewer laughs at a scene because they recognise the
reference, comforted that they are ‘in’ on the joke.
There is no
challenge in this form of humour. In fact, this type of film attempts to tell
the audience what they should find funny, forcing the joke, rather than playing
with creativity in search of something fresh. Some audience members are
comforted by this method, not needing to think too hard about what they are
watching.
Don’t Encourage Them!
The studios
know these films are not works of art. They understand the critics will pan
them and most of the audience will be disappointed by the experience. But there
is no satisfaction guarantee with film. We’ve all shelled out money for turkeys
in our time. But certain films play on this money up front relationship.
“Norbit”
may have pushed Eddie Murphy’s career back ten years and cost him an Oscar, but
the studio got the money it needed to justify producing whatever horrible bit
of fat suit inanity Murphy comes up with next.
The only
way to stop this cycle is not to go. Fight your curiosity. Refuse to take your
girlfriend. Punish the kids for even suggesting it. Stand in your box office
queue and promise to nipple-cripple anyone who checks the screening times for
these films.
The box
office drives
Say no to spoofs!
