Comic book scriptwriting has come a long way since the days when a dime got you 22
four-colour pages of smash bang pulp superhero action.
Comic scriptwriting
has become far more sophisticated over the decades, reaching the heights of
modern literature with writers such as Neil Gaiman, Alan Moore, Warren Ellis
and many more. But there are still plenty of comics that have not progressed
that far from those golden and silver age days of simple superhero fiction.
After decades of
reading comics, there are certain clichés I really think have had their day and
should automatically disqualify a comic scriptwriter from ever entering the
lobbies of Marvel or DC again.
Five Comic Book Cliches I Wish They’d Stop Already!
1. Only single people get superpowers.
Seriously. Name me one superhero who gained their powers and started a career as a superhero as half of a married couple. Sure, some of them may have been dating when the radioactive mcguffin bit / infected / slimed / was eaten by them, but even when this is the case, both of them conveniently gained powers so as to avoid stress on the relationship. (Mr Fantastic / Invisible Girl or Giant Man / Wasp)
Storywise, this is to allow the incredibly tired notion of superheroes as soap opera that kept the X-men titles in the top spot for so long. After a while, it was no longer about the villains, but who was shacking up with whom and which love triangle was coming to a head. Whole issues could pass without a punch being thrown as these gorgeous twenty-somethings behaved like The OC in spandex.
Just for once, I want
an overweight Dad with child support payments, weekend visitation obligations
with a toddler and a new wife that doesn’t look like a
2. No one stays dead. No one. Not a one!
Okay, we all know this one, but ENOUGH ALREADY!
Bucky is back. Jason Todd is back. Mar-Vell is back. The Barry Allen Flash must surely be packing his overnight bag in heaven, ready for the journey home as we speak.
Even though all comic
fans are now completely cynical to the marketing ploy and start laying bets on
how long it will be before the latest dead character is resurrected, a
superhero death still sells out. Captain
After all, they once said Bucky was off-limits for the resurrection shuffle.
The thing that really irks me about this is that it is so unfair for all the civilian characters that routinely get wasted in comics all the time. Half a city gets wiped out by Fing Fang Foom, but given the chance, the heroes will resurrect their lost buddy instead.
In fact, when Hal Jordan went against the norm and did try to resurrect his murdered city, the comics wrote him going mad and turned him into a villain for it. But if he was going to bring back another dead hero, you can bet the storyline would have been different.
See also Superman,
Green Lantern (Hal Jordan), Green Arrow, Aunt May, Green Goblin, Phoenix, Cyclops, Hawkeye, Vision, Thor, Supergirl,
3. All superheroes can sew at a professional level
So you’ve decided to use your new superpowers for good. You’ve chosen a fantastic name that miraculously hasn’t been taken previously. So what do you do next?
If most superhero comics are anything to go by, you somehow manage to rustle up a full lycra costume overnight in your bedroom.
Does everyone in Manhattan keep various high-grade bolts of spandex under the bed just in case they’re given mysterious powers by a supernatural being on the way to the corner shop?
And let’s not forget that not only can these people expertly sew a perfectly tailored and fitted garment out of notoriously difficult material, they are also masters of clothing design.
Yes, I know the classic superheroes images were designed by some of the great graphic artists of the last fifty years, but that doesn’t mean Peter Parker shouldn’t have sewn himself something a little simpler and less attractive. I mean, would a sixteen year old boy really spend all night sewing all that intricate black webbing onto his top or would he just stick with the turtle-neck, with one of Aunt May’s stockings pulled over his head and call it done?
4. If your superhero team is throwing a party / having a training session / hosting a summit meeting with the superhero team next door, the corresponding team of supervillains will choose this time to attack.
Every superteam seems to have a polar opposite supervillain team to throw down with whenever the writer gets bored of creating something new. But after decades of trying to take on the heroes, you’d think they’d be better organised than to crash the superheroes when they are all in the one place and surrounded by their best equipment.
Every time the Masters of Evil attacked Avengers Mansion I hoped they would have some sense hammered into them. Something about supervillains means they can only attack superheroes when they are equally matched. If the supervillain team has five members, they wait until all five of the Avengers are together so they can attack one on one. After all, if they waited in the back alley and all leapt onto Hawkeye when he nipped out the back for a quick smoke, it wouldn’t be sporting, would it?
This scenario popped up again just recently as a pile of supervillains crashed the Excalibur party in a recent issue of Chris Claremont scripted X-Men: Die By The Sword #1, coincidentally only minutes after the eXiles had turned up to join the fun. Maybe I’ll save my Claremont bile for another day.
5. A superhero will always find a crime, or even a specific villain, by randomly walking around rooftops at night.
How many superhero comics open with our hero patrolling the rooftops at night looking for a crime to stop? And how many times does he find exactly that within a couple of frames?
The chances of stumbling on a visible crime like that in a city the size of Manhattan is immense. I mean, how many security trucks get held up by guys in stocking masks every night?
This cliché goes one further. If a hero becomes aware that a particular villain is back in town, rather than using any detective work to track them down, they decide the most effective method is to go hunting for them from the rooftops.
And in the world of comic books this works – time and time again. There are millions of people living in New York. Granted only a handful may be roaming the rooftops at night, but even then, the villain has to be on the right rooftop at the right time, in costume and ready to rumble, just as our hero swings / jumps / runs past.
"Curses! Foiled Again!”
There is a tendency with superhero comics to see the same comic script rehashed over and over again. There are certainly many more clichés just as glaring as the above. Feel free to add your own superhero clichés below.
(All images are copyright Marvel comics and DC Comics. No attempt is made to supercede copyright.)
